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[Dec. 1st, 2009|01:50 am] |
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Whenever you come to visit, I will not sleep. I can sleep. Or can't sleep... I don't know. I've never tried sleeping when you're here. I hate you, but I don't mind accompanying you. There was once you came to visit me everyday. Emotionless and lifeless. Bleakness you brought and bring with you. Normally I dont, but I obey my heart when you're here.
I've been browsing through the photos. Not very old, most of them taken within this year. I don't know if it's nostalgia I'm feeling right now, or just the feeling of knowing that I've outgrown that period of time. Each picture I see myself differently. Each picture I remember different emotions, and different event happenings. Again, this feeling's back to haunt me. This old friend, empty and cold. My heart seems very far right now, feels like it's somewhere I can't reach. When I look back at photos taken in Aussie, I'm actually questioning myself if I've really been there. Have I really been there this whole year? Was I there... for real? It's just pretty weird right now. It's just being in an environment, thinking about the existence of the other. The existence of me in the other.
And I know, if I don't practise, soon I'll lose it.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|04:59 am] |
Hmm, is it true that being a Libra I'll have to go an extra mile?
I can't sleep. I just kept on thinking. When I think of going home.. I think of being detached from so many things. Especially Taiwan. I remember when I last went back for New Year and all my relatives were gathered in the old house, I felt so detached from them. I haven't been in touch with most of them, just a few that live in Taipei. Umm, when I reached the house, I knew it was going to be awkward. I don't know what those long-time-no-see relatives were gonna' say to me. "You look like a boy!"... "Eh you became fatter!"... or if I happened to lose weight from the previous visit then "You became thinner..". Well, at least these were the 3 prominent things I remember them saying. I remember everyone else being so close to each other, so much more in common to talk about and to do together.
I didn't really wanna be there. But actually when I was 10, there was once when I was downstairs my house, and there were groups of people bbq-ing together. At that very moment I actually felt a tinge of nostalgia, when I wanted so much to gather with my cousins and relatives and have the same kind of bbq. I was downstairs with one aunt, and I remembered I cried. Thinking back, perhaps I knew I missed them. Perhaps I knew it would also never be the same as before if I see them again. I didn't think we would be so different? Because I was young and stupid, I didn't know alot of things. It didn't cross my mind that we were being brought up in different cultures, facing different people, living in a different environment. Physically it wasn't the same, but I didn't know it would be more than that. It pained me to look at the groups of people having fun, and when I went up, I wrote my mum a letter saying how much I wanna be back there. And she assured me we will, often.
Most of the time when I was back there, I stayed in the city and only interacted with the relatives there. I never saw how close my cousins were with the other cousins, and how they behaved differently when they were together. As I said, the most recent time when I went back for New Year, everything felt so strange. The closest cousin to me even ignored and left me there most of the time, and went off playing with the rest. I was the only teen in the house with adults when the rest of the group were gone. Her mum scolded her after that, and she came to apologize about leaving me alone. Even her mum could tell. So I thought.. maybe.. hmm. But yeah, it's alright, because I understand, who wouldn't wanna play with others who are more fun, and who have much more in common with you? The dynamics are just different. I can't ask them to change for me. I'm a minority.
And because of stuffs like these, it discourage you to make further inroads. Hmm.. And because I know we'll surely go back again this time. I know I'll have to pick myself up over this small matter and try to assimilate.
And everyday, or rather night, I just think about the limited freedom I have to face when I get back. I don't like it, when I'm already used to a carefree life here. I can do anything I want, eat, sleep, wear. Just, anything I want. I'm just not in the state to get back, because even if I've accepted how my parents were all these years, I can't anymore. It just feels as if I may explode anytime if they restrict me to anything. Apparently I'm the only one who feels this way besides another friend, but that's because my parents are way more protective than anyone else. So protective that they don't know what makes me happy or not. And so suggestive of things that won't make me so. I love my parents with no doubt. And I'm not that sort of person who can stay angry for a long period of time, so it'll never turn to hatred. I've been pushing limits, and I think they've gradually understanding that I've changed.
I really don't wanna stay here for 3 months. But I don't really wanna go home either.
How sad is a home which you don't feel like going back to?
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|09:07 pm] |
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I don't know if anyone knows I still post or not.
This blog, again, is becoming another creation out of free time. It's growing cobwebs. I don't know why I don't even feel a tinge of inspiration to write anything. It's been so long, to even catch up. You know, sometimes you just get that adrenaline rush through your body. I don't feel it anymore, especially revolving writing. All I can think about now is how am I going to spend 3 months back at home, under my parent's scrutiny, evasive behavior. All I can think about now is how to break free of the chains that have once held me, and are still cuffed hard around my wrists. I think I will spend more time with my dog. I always think so, but when Im around him I tend to neglect him. Poor boy. He ignores me too. Just like how I don't give enough attention to him. I'm still not used to a new house surrounding. In fact, I don't like it, I prefer Costa, 7 refreshing pools, sauna, and tennis courts situated suitably beside the pools. I loved it. Love. But the beach breeze made my mum's bags mouldy, and many other things. I know Odie prefers it back there, he seems happier, and because the place downstairs' bigger for him to run around. The new place seems so much more crammed up downstairs, I don't like it. I hate that claustrophobic feeling. I wonder if I can persuade my parents to move back there. Rah. Then I've gotten a new maid. And I gotta' get used to a new person in the house again after Ruby, even though I never really like-like Ruby. They say this maid treats Odie better, cooks better, and massage better. haha. Erik's the best.
I really don't feel like writing already. I just need a new guitar.
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[Mar. 12th, 2009|12:48 am] |
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i love you lee kengyin! |
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[Feb. 20th, 2009|05:45 pm] |
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POP TARTS SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2009|08:39 pm] |
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Hey guys.
Canberra's been pretty okay. It's a small little city like Singapore but it's really compact? You can find basically everything you want and need over at Canberra centre which is like the main shopping mall in Canberra. (There's only one for where I live). The ANU campus itself is awesome! It's full of bushes and nature, willow trees, maple tree.. and it looks really beautiful. It doesn't look like a campus cause it's super huge and the natural decorations make it look even more grand. It's a nice place to be in if you actually love nature? The air here's super clean, no signs of pollution and whatsoever. The weather's good. I missed the heat. The day I came the temp dropped from 30+ deg celsius to bout 20+? And the winds are chilly.. the night temp's like 14? Fwwwuuhhh~ I was at a loss with my berms on that day. Hm. I stayed with my parents over at the hotel nearby for a couple of days, and I officially moved in last night. John's pretty okay. No racism like what some of you may have suggested. The Aussies are really friendly people. If there's racism here, it gotta' be so much worse elsewhere in Aussie. One thing though, their accent's really hard to catch. It's like a speed bullet train. I'll just go huh? each time they speak. And they go ay? everytime I speak. Lol. The residential college I'm in's not at all dirty, it's just kinda' old as it has a history of 23 years. The kind of old's pretty nice though. Gives a homely feeling. The floor's carpeted and centrally heated in winter. Apparently it was freezing cold the night before and I tried to on the damn heater but since it's centrally operated, I couldn't. And damn, too bad it's summer with a cold weather.
The only bad thing though's the internet. ): Yeah I gotta' pay the reception for a connection fee (wtf?) and I've to also buy credit for internet? Apparently every mb's chargeable like 1.5 cents per mb? I was like waddafuck. So I actually don't go online much nor download stuffs cause every cent counts. There was free wireless at John's last year, but they removed it cause people with laptops were abusing it by downloading too much, and causing too much traffic over the network so you know, the quality of the network was pretty slow. I don't miss any part of Singapore. I just miss my girlfriend, my dogs, and little home and my friends. No I don't miss Orchard, though the shops here are never heard of. Oh havianas are really cheap they're getting on my nerves. I was like wth when I saw the price tags. The limited ed ones are selling at a rather more affordable price than the rip-offs in Sg. The clothes are pretty nice though.. I haven't bought any. I'm not in the mood to shop till I get settled down. Ogayy~ goodnight it's 3 hours later here. I'm really worn out. The orientation stuffs are really packed. We have a scavenger hunt tmr, I hope it'll be fun. I'll post some pics of the surroundings up here when Im free.
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[Feb. 8th, 2009|11:25 pm] |
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tell me that you will wait for me. |
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[Jan. 29th, 2009|11:58 pm] |
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So my visa got approved afterall. Hm am real busy these few days, trying to settle all the necessary stuffs before going over to Canberra. Yikes, and Rhon said there's a heat wave over in Aussie now.. I'm fretting about the non-airconditioned hostel I've been allocated to already.. |
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| huh it's 2009? |
[Jan. 12th, 2009|02:16 pm] |
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Just attended the ANU pre-departure briefing this afternoon. Let's pray hard that my visa gets approved before I go.. or I've to waste another half a year over here again after preparing so hard for everything.
I still feel like I'm living in 2008. I felt the sense of a "new year" only when I saw the fireworks during New Year's eve. Now I feel all the same. I'm not really counting the days. I don't have specific plans that I'm looking forward to. It just feels like, my time and life are depleting as the days pass unknowingly. Today it's the 12th. I probably have less than a month left before going to Canberra. But it's 50-50. And I disdain this feeling. The feeling of not knowing what your fate is like. It's exactly like the night before the release of O and A Levels results. Just that the answer will come as a surprise, and I don't exactly have to walk into school to know. People always ask why did I choose boring Canberra over rich, cosmopolitan Melbourne or busy, crowded Sydney? Well, it's simple enough. Because I've experienced city life for the past 16 years of my life here in Singapore. And I'm pretty sick of it. You'll say but it's even worse in Canberra because it's suburb, but well, I'd prefer some peace and no distraction over there than a bigger city you can find in Melb or Syd. Personal preference I guess. And it's all about moulding myself. I'm not super materialistic. Haha, but whenever I think about how I am quite a little sometimes, it does get on my nerves. I wanna' achieve more than material things? And probably a good and quiet place like Canberra can help me find that inner balance in my heart. I'm not saying those who go to Melb or Syd are.. But like again, I made this choice for me. And it's not my general opinion at all. Like I said before, I wanna' be fuller at heart, fuller in my head. Not being smarter, but to be filled with more knowledge, books or not, experience, blablabla.. However, if my visa gets deferred in Feb, then I will not be able to do what I want. Because then my parents may wanna' put Melb on their priority list since it's nearer. And yeah, I can stay with people I know. But I guess.. give a little, take a little huh.
Indeed, I can comprehend how everyone frowns at 2008. Economic crisis everywhere. Also, the past year flew like it never did for me before because I was a good-for-nothing that year. I had time on my hands, somewhat pursuing crap, but also warmed many friendships back up again.. I suffered some humiliation which I don't really wanna' talk about all over again in the early year. I went through a break up, yes it was real, I thought it was for real. Well, bad, but since we've patched it's fine again.Though, if you asked me if I've achieved anything that year, I would say yes.. and that's courage. A little more extensive courage which I've been needing. Going out to people. Pushing so hard for something never felt so good. Like the coffee business. We had a short exibition, but I've experienced much. And it's fun overall. It's attracting me to being a potential businesswoman. Aww. My coffee empire.
Now, I'm on a determined road to diet. Today's buffet dinner at the pre-departure briefing, guess what?! I did not even touch a piece of dessert.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2008|06:37 pm] |
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Is it necessary when you miss someone, you love that person? |
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